We’re only three full days into the new year, but I have a feeling it’s gonna be a good one. I’ve been thinking about what my resolutions are, what they should be, and I have resolved to not over-commit. I tend to do this, a lot. With work, friends, family, races… and most of the pressure is self-inflicted. I’m gonna stop that.

This year, I want to strive for simplification and balance of my life. I want to really be “all in” with my relationships, marriage, school, and work. I don’t want to commit in my mind to do all these different things for/with people and then be unnecessarily disappointed in myself for not checking off every single thing.

I want to stay healthy. Over the past couple months, I’ve been somewhat successfully balancing calories in and calories out. I’ll do a few races, I’ll run some miles, I’ll burn some calories. But I also will not starve myself with popular diets or kill myself with crazy workouts. 

Christmas break was great, and there is a need for some “detox”, but this year I feel it’s more spiritual detox I need than physical. Aaron and I went with pastors (and friends!) from our church to the World Missions Summit in Fort Worth after a busy but nice week visiting family and friends in Illinois. Our call/decision to serve in the Middle East somewhere was confirmed, and we had a great opportunity to meet with some Live/Dead team members over dinner one day and sporadically throughout the weekend. 

Many many things were spoken to my heart over the weekend through worship, speakers and times of prayer. I haven’t even digested it all yet, let alone put it into succinct (well, kinda) words on this blog. We are excited about our future steps that will be coming to pass in just a few years, whether that’s going directly into the field or parking it in the US for a bit longer to raise kids/get my PhD/work. I can tell you for sure that the future will not involve reenlistment into the US Army. That, my friends, is a miracle I’m not going to be praying for.

But prayer is something I will delve into more this year. There are so many things in life that cannot be discerned just by looking at the surface, and I really want to do the will of the Lord. Like, really.  I want to daily fulfill my purpose on earth, and that requires way more prayer than a 10-second period of saying “grace” at every meal!

This post is a bit retrogressive… so let’s continue, shall we? Before embarking on our crazy week in Illinois with the Summit to follow, I finished out the semester strong with a 4.0. A lofty goal of mine is to keep a 4.0 through grad school, because I know I can do it. This time around in college I don’t have to work crazy hours or take 5+ classes at a time (thank GOD!), so there’s no reason for me not to get all A’s!

Here’s to a happy, healthy, challenging 2013!

I wish I could say that all of these journals are full of answered prayer… big prayers. Crazy prayers. Gideon, David, Moses, Paul prayers. However, most of these journals aren’t even half-full. There’s a testament to the fact that I get really excited about writing, whether it’s just journaling to myself, or writing down prayer requests and little pieces of God wisdom… and also to the fact that they’ve been abandoned after awhile.

Every time I buy a new journal, I think, Yes! This is the one where I’m going to keep up with studying my Bible, memorizing Scripture, and recording the awesome things that God does.

These journals house some of my thoughts, prayers and desires from 2003 on. The one on the very right was a present from Aaron from Christmas last year. We only spent about $25 on each other since we were *kinda* broke, so he bought me a few things, including that pretty journal and some new pens. “Because I know you like to journal and record sermon notes…”, he said.

I do like to do that… I just don’t stick with it. I remember a time when I did, and for the life of me I cannot remember where in the world I put this little silver notebook that had so many prayers, and answered prayers, and even a list of the qualities I wanted in a husband. I prayed for big things. I fasted several times a week at school, and instead of eating lunch I’d sit in the library and write out my prayers.

Tonight at the 20-somethings group, Pastor Marc challenged us to start praying about our Jerichos, big prayers. Impossible prayers. What’s the use in praying for things that we can accomplish on our own? I shared tonight that I am guilty of praying the easy, possible prayers 90-95% of the time. I’m not a risk-taking person. I get a high from doing something extremely safe but under the guise of being risky, like riding a motorcycle (ehh some of you may disagree!) or sitting in the front row of Mr. Freeze at Six Flags (DO IT).

What are my Jericho prayers? What are the things in my life that I think would be impossible on my own? I’m going to make a list, and I’m going to start praying about it. One of the first things I will pray and fast about is our call into missions. God keeps bringing people across our path who are missionaries to the Middle East, or have connections over there somehow. I tend to think that is not a coincidence…

This topic we discussed tonight is more than timely for me, for us. I have been feeling for a long time, as I said before, that I need to rise early and start praying every day. Setting aside time. Just me, God, my Bible, my journal (no longer neglected) and of course a cup of coffee (nectar from heaven!). I need to stop ignoring God when I wake up in the middle of the night, or early in the morning with a need or a person on my heart and just pray!

Praying impossible prayers will become a necessity for us, unless we want to live a comfortable lifestyle and ignore God’s call. I dunno about you, but I wanna git ‘er dun!

Maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but running just hasn’t felt like my thang recently. I like to run, but when I don’t, I don’t necessarily miss it. Since we’ve moved to El Paso, I haven’t really successfully trained for a race besides the Fourth of July 5K, and that was because I was doing the run streak.

This week has been busy. Four days in a row I didn’t get home until 9:00 or later, which made my days more than 12 hours long. Who wants to run before or after that? Not me. Then, I started to feel super tired and possibly sick, so I’ve been taking it easy and sleeping a lot this weekend.

I’m glad I’ve run one marathon; I can cross that off my “before-30″ list. I’ll do more races for fun, shorter ones of course, but honestly the thought of committing to another long distance race does not appeal to me. At all. Honestly. The only reason I would commit right now is because of the accolades I get after it’s said and done. And that’s not motivation enough for me to commit to the training.

When Aaron gets back from this TDY, he’ll be on reverse-cycle PT, which means that they report an hour earlier for work and get out an hour earlier to do PT in the afternoon. I prefer that schedule, because then we are able to work out together in the morning, and he has to take only one trip onto post daily. Maybe I’ll run more after he gets back…

I always put too much pressure on myself and commit to too much. What would happen if I stop putting so much pressure on myself to run/train/eat right/improve my body and just live? I mean, it has worked for me before and I didn’t gain a bunch of weight back then. I would obviously still eat well and go to the gym.

I enjoy taking Missy for walks in the morning. She’s come to expect it; in fact, I’ve taken her every single morning for the last few weeks. I enjoy different forms of cardio besides running; I love the spin bike, and the stairstepper. I also love doing Blogilates videos and yoga at home.

Maybe training for a running a marathon was for a specific season in my life, and now that that season is over, I can concentrate on different things… Many times in my life I will set my mind on accomplishing something once, and then trying something new; in other areas of life I become a creature of habit. For example, I don’t like going on vacation or traveling to the same place more than once, unless there’s more to see that I didn’t see the first time around. But, I’ll go to the same restaurant multiple times and order the exact same thing.

Who knows. Maybe I’m looking for that next big thing to accomplish, like standing on my head, or a six-pack. Ha. Hahaha. We will see about that.

I’ve been a grad student for all of three days, and I’m five days behind everyone else since I was gone for a week. This week has felt so looooong! I’ve been to all my classes and met all my professors (all two of them, I have one for two classes) and so far I’m happy. I’m taking a full course load: Principles of Linguistic Analysis, Semantics, and Second Language Teaching. Even though I complained pretty much 100% of the time about that silly English Syntax class this summer, I am so glad I took it. I’m also glad I took an intro to linguistics class at Bradley because they both prepared me for this semester. I’m jumping on the flash cards right away to review the basics.

The Second Language Teaching class is one I should have had at Bradley but didn’t. Looking back, the foreign language ed program was lacking… a LOT. I took education classes, and Spanish classes (mostly literature), but only one class bridged the gap. Barely. I learned next to nothing about second language acquisition or pedagogical theories. I’m not exaggerating. Everything I learned about how to teach Spanish I learned in student teaching.

UTEP itself is HUGE, although I know not as big as other state universities, and I have to park out in the boondocks. I got a parking ticket already, whoops! I knew better… At least I get my exercise walking around! Most of the people in my classes, one of my professors, and my fellow tutor/TA speak English as their second language. Already this week I’ve met people from Turkey, Ukraine and Mexico.

Speaking of other countries, it’s been confirmed to me that this degree will open up so many doors. In some countries, I can be a college professor with just an MA, and if I take the right classes within my degree I can get a TESOL (teaching English to speakers of other languages) certificate. I may or may not have already been browsing a linguist job database and there are positions open on pretty much every continent. Obviously I can’t take a job wherever I want until Aaron gets out of the Army, but I do believe God’s put a desire in our hearts to live in a foreign country someday, working or doing missions. I just hope that day isn’t farther away than I’d like it to be…

It’s August, and we’re not looking at a reprieve from these hot temps until probably mid-October. Last year I remember when it “snowed” we still had leaves on the trees, and some of them were still green. What. The. Heck. That’s just not right. El Paso weather just does not follow what I believe to be the perfect course of events, you know…. Summer. Fall. Winter. Spring. Well, it does, just not with the mercury I’d like.

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE is talking about how they can’t wait for cooler temps (uhh 80′s in October just isn’t right), bonfires (mostly illegal), sweaters (I might have a few in my closet) and blankets (ok, sometimes I purposely make it cold in here so I can use a blanket. Don’t judge).

Sighhh. I loved last winter here. We did get a little “snow”, but the sad part was that it was gone really fast and you do NOT want to venture out, even the few miles to the store, because you will probably either get in an accident or have to drive 5 mph. It’s sad. At least in Illinois people know a little bit more about driving in inclement weather.

The truth is, I’ve seen the desert and now I’d like to see another climate. Washington or Colorado preferably. I mean, if the Army’s gonna be paying our way for the next 3.5 years (yes! we’re almost half way through!) then I want to see more than the desert. Stomp stomp. Pout pout.

It’s just that my love of knitting/crafting, sweaters, hot beverages, and blankets are not compatible with this climate. Desert, I’m sorry.. it’s not you, it’s me.

I’m even pining after football, which is weird. You can’t really miss something you’ve never really liked, can you?!

Ahhh. “Monsoon” season (yes, the quotation marks are necessary) is great in El Paso. It means highs around 95 with a decent chance of rain or at least clouds every day. Believe me, there IS a difference between 95 and 100.

Swamp coolers aren’t as efficient when it’s humid, which is why 95 is better than 100. Believe me. We’ve had some rumbles of thunder now and then, but today we actually got caught in the rain (!!!!!!) during our evening walk with Missy. It was awesome. It may or may not have something to do with the rain turtles we drew in our front yard… his idea, not mine.

ERMAHGERD. RERN TERTERLS!

The only problem with the rain is when you actually have to drive on the road with other people driving on the road… it’s like they live in a place with less than 10 inches of rain per year or something… and there are no gutters or storm drains.

I love the panoramic views of the clouds over the mountains, especially from “work”. The kids go back to school next week, and so I only have one more full day with them. Here recently I’ve been herding pigs and actually, one of them stepped on my foot! Ouch! I REALLY need some boots now!

I can’t wait for fall. Even here in the desert it’s still my favorite season. Last year I remember pretending it was all rainy and cool outside and made myself hot tea at 2pm when it was actually probably 98* with cloudless skies. Oh well.

My super busy summer is about to come to an end here soon and I couldn’t be happier. I am almost done with these classes and have to say I haven’t learned hardly anything about teaching ESL. I’m so glad I’m not committed to a graduate program in linguistics… ugh. How does the study of grammar help in the real world? Like really help people?

Aaron leaves again soon for another month away, this time practically in Death Valley. Poor guy. I’ll be back to cuddling with Missy at night, even though she’s a bed hog. We’re both bed hogs so that must make us incompatible in a way, right? But she’s cute and warm and will probably rip your head off if you break in, so…. ya know.

Watch it. She’s on alert.

 She might even give you the “I’m the undead pretending like I’m dead but I’m really not” look.

 Just….. be on the lookout, is all I’m sayin’. And my dear friends and family in the Midwest: go draw some rain turtles.

I should probably be sleeping right now, as we have to leave tomorrow morning for Farmer City. I haven’t been there in awhile. When Aaron was living in Champaign, I’d usually stop there on my way even though it was only 100 miles from Pekin to Champaign to drive by my great-grandmother’s house and also to get a drink at the gas station. A couple years ago on our way to Champaign, Aaron and I stopped at the cemetery there.

I have been so happy and thankful to be home with family. I miss Aaron, of course, as we haven’t seen each other (in person) since the end of May. However, he’s being as supportive as he can be from 1500 miles away. I love that man with my whole heart and then some.

Life is such a ride. There’s so much juxtaposition of happy and sad, grief and joy. You can be laughing your ass off in one minute about a memory and then be bawling your eyes out the next. I’m starting to remember more things as my memory’s being jogged by being with others. You never know which memory will trigger what emotion.

These past couple evenings we’ve been sitting on the patio just visiting. Tonight I helped Mom get dinner ready (steaks, stuffed mushrooms and baked potatoes, good ole comfort food!), went and ran 5 miles, showered and then ate EVERYTHING on my plate. It was delicious. After dinner we cleaned up and Tim, Leah and I walked down to get ice cream. For a little while you forget why you’re all together. Then you look up from whatever joke you were just laughing about and see tears streaming down a red face.

It just happens. You let it happen, comfort each other, and keep going, and in a few minutes everyone’s okay again. I’ve been in “Big Sister Mode”. I don’t want anyone to think I’m not grieving, because I am. Monday through Wednesday were just  plain awful while I was still in Texas, alone. By alone, I mean with no family. Now that I’m here, I have a normal appetite and am sleeping like a rock. In most ways I feel better, some sort of whole.

I tell my sisters to take care of themselves and that it’s okay to grieve and that really, you just have to let yourself be sad and not beat yourself up about it. The only way you can get through anything like this with a sense of self afterwards is if you accept your own way of dealing with grief.

I cried with Emily tonight as we remembered that Grandpa loved to eat vanilla ice cream with a spoonful (or two) of peanut butter and sometimes Hershey’s syrup. He was never skimpy in his dishing out of ice cream. I remember eating that on the farm. He stopped eating like that after his heart surgery several years ago. (They still had ice cream in their freezer from time to time, especially when there was a pie somewhere in the house.)

I’m in some sort of denial of what all will be happening tomorrow and Monday. I think we all are in some extent. It’s going to be rough, and a lot of us are going to be in new territory. I pray for strength for all of us, especially so we can be strong for Grammie.

Juxtaposition. Gravestones against a beautiful blue skies and green wavy cornfields. A new life growing and an old life passing away. Memories remembered and memories made.

There is nothing new under the sun. Nothing takes God by surprise; He already knew all of this before the creation of the world. Sometimes things happen for no other reason other than it was just that time.

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

Today I’m anxious and excited. Anxious because of the unknown. I’ve never lost a close family member before. Other members of my family have, but I personally haven’t. I shared in their sorrow when my uncle died, when my great-grandma died, when my mom’s dad died. But it’s nothing like this.

I’ve lost my appetite, and I haven’t been sleeping well. My mind just won’t turn off. I’m hungry, sure, but nothing sounds good except for ice cream and cookie dough. :rolls eyes: Goooooo figure. Let’s just say this isn’t a great diet plan, mmkay? I stayed up until 12:30 last night doing laundry, getting things packed… even before I purchased my plane ticket around midnight I just intuitively started packing. I knew I couldn’t stay here until Sunday… I’m going crazy.

The house is clean and ready for my husband’s arrival. Thank God for people who help out. My parents helped pay for my ticket. I found a lady who does boarding out of her home and has rescue dogs of her own. She has no qualms whatsoever about Missy and her potential behavior. Jess and/or her husband are going to meet Aaron at the airport on Saturday to give him his keys. I will be leaving the car at the airport but he doesn’t have keys and there’s no way I’m leaving the car unlocked with keys in it! My boss is being more than accommodating about me missing a week and a half of work.

Laundry is done, dishes are done, bathrooms are *somewhat* clean. I know Aaron really doesn’t care, but I do. Cleaning is therapy for me and let’s just say I did a lot of that last night. The last two days were really rough emotionally, and I know it’s not over.

I’m also anxious because I’m taking these two classes for a certificate that won’t even transfer to my Illinois teaching certificate (the classes are in Indiana). One of the classes has four units due next Thursday. My prof is unwilling to give me an extension past July 1st. Well, guess what, I’m not going home to sit in front of a computer and do homework. I’m going home for no other reason other than to attend these services and spend time with my family, and my Grammie.

I’m excited to see my family, my parents, my sister Emily, and my sister Leah who’s pregnant and has her first appointment tomorrow. I’m excited to meet my cousin’s new son. It’s so like life, like God, isn’t it?, to overlap death and life like this. I’m excited to see Aaron’s family and my friends, if there’s time. I’m excited to see Aaron when I get back next Sunday. I miss him.

Sometimes I’m in a raging calm, super efficient and level-headed. Sometimes I’m crying my eyes out and cussing up a storm. A STORM. That’s grief. Everyone experiences it differently. Something that I’m super proud of is that I know what my limits are. I’m ready to withdraw from this class if I need to. Maybe some would see that as giving up, but I don’t. I weigh my options and see what’s really important. I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that grad school hasn’t worked out for me yet. I keep trying and trying to make it work, and maybe it’s not supposed to. I am totally fine with that, and that’s just not the current circumstances talking.

Adrenaline allows you to do things you didn’t think you could. In less than two days, I’ve made all necessary arrangements, cleaned the house, packed, and speaking of packing I think I’ve remembered everything without a list, and without having to check a bag.

Wish me safe travels; by this time tomorrow I will be connecting in Chicago and on my way to Peoria. I have running clothes packed… maybe that’s a little hopeful, but it’s therapy.

Not a whole lot is going on around here, which in Army life is not necessarily a bad thing. I guess the biggest  piece of news is that I might have to buy a darker foundation. Meaning, just “ivory” instead of “light ivory” or “translucent”. *Hangs head in English/Scandavian shame*

Aaron got in a week ago late Friday night. Being the night owl crazy party animals we are, we went to IHOP for a late laaaate dinner. We had a restful weekend, and he had Monday and Tuesday off as well.

Monday morning we found a new park to go to that has trails in the Franklin Mountains State Park. Missy loves hiking.

I haven’t done much exercise wise. Monday we went hiking, yesterday Jess and I took advantage of the so-not-desert-like weather (60ish and cloudy/rainy!) and ran 3 miles outside. This morning I went to the gym and did 2.67 miles of 60-120′s, or running hard for 2 minutes and resting for 1. It felt great!

I’ve been trying to “eat clean”, and I’m definitely doing it 80% of the time.. or maybe 70%… I’ve been having fun researching new recipes to try and ways to make the things I like to eat healthier. We’re definitely not going all organic, raw food, or vegan or anything. I like my ice cream, red meat and coffee creamer too much (Bailey’s creamer anyone???).

I don’t know.. life’s just.. life. And it’s nice. As for right now, no pending deployments. However, we know that can change at any moment. Soon it’ll be hotter than heck here, so it’s great that our swamp cooler got fixed! The filters were completely calcified and so heavy I couldn’t even lift one! The pump was broken too, which makes the whole idea worthless. Who knows how long it’d been since it was serviced!

The crazy thing is, last summer when we got here we thought that swamp coolers were just crappy, but ours gets it so cool in here (when it’s not humid!) that it’s almost chilly! Lately we’ve been getting away with just having the vent on at night (almost like an attic fan, except it pushes air out instead of pulling it in).

We’re wanting to take a day trip to Cloudcroft, which is a little mountain town about 100 miles away at 9,000 ft! We drove through it to get to Carlsbad, but didn’t get a chance to really check it out.

Anyway, off to enjoy the weekend!