>my mind can be a scary place (as my students know, haha) especially when i am under emotional stress. this is what i’ve been saying to myself subconsciously: i won’t get to go to korea. or if i do it’ll be december before i get there. i will be alone every night forever. i don’t have a job so i’m in adequate. my husband thinks i’m lazy because i don’t have a job. i can’t spend his money (even though it is ours). i won’t get to talk to him for a long time. i will be stuck in illinois forever.
okay. that is all ridiculous. you know it and i know it. and my anxiety and fear play out and i become this needy, insecure, unruly girl who can’t even stop to think or get lost in a book. she’s obsessive compulsive to see if someone’s posted on her question on the forum, or incessantly checking her email and being dramatic about everything.
who is this girl? this is the elizabeth from years ago, who after dealing with this horrible obsessive side, fell into a depression. how is this the will of God? it’s not. it’s the will of my own mind. and if i’m not careful and cling to my Maker, i’ll go back into that depression. i know the line is there. the edge of the pit can erode away.
i don’t know how anyone makes it on his or her own, without the Lord to guide and sustain. to give peace. to provide all that we need. to listen when we annoy everyone else (i hope i haven’t gotten to this point..). to speak to us through His perfect Word, to reveal to us His “good, pleasing and perfect” will.
in the journal i spoke of on my other blog, i’ve not only been writing down something cool God’s done every day, but also my thoughts, verses that i’ve been studying, and prayers for those verses. i love the book praying God’s word by beth moore because she provides sample prayers for different obstacles in our life based directly on the Word. i took my lead from her.
2 tim 1:7, 9 “for God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline… who has saved us, and called us with a holy calling*, not according to our works, but according to His own purposes and grace which was granted in Christ Jesus from all eternity.”
“Wow. Thank you Lord that this is not based on my works. Thank you that there is a higher calling, a goal based your expectations for my life, not mine.”
*calling (G2821), a derivative of G2654, bid, call forth, send for, to call with authority; holy (G40), sacred, pure, clean
one of my fears is being bored.. like to the point of tears. i have lists out the wazoo and they help with feeling anxiety about moving soon. i also fear being alone so much. i have no cats anymore since we found new homes for them before i move to korea. that makes it a little more lonely. the walls are becoming whiter and whiter as we speak. but God’s been providing me with opportunities to spend time with people, even if it’s in a service manner. my friend asked me to help out with something tomorrow evening. another friend from church invited me to an event this weekend.
i am so thankful for a group of people who love and support me unconditionally. they know my flaws and my hangups.. and that i can be pretty impatient at times. but they care for me anyway.
“when the Lord brought back the captive ones of Zion, we were like those who dream. then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with joyful shouting; then they said among the nations, ‘the Lord has done great things for them.’ the Lord has done great things for us, and we are glad.”