>God is so good. For those of you reading who do not know the Lord as your Savior, maybe you’re annoyed at my constant mentions of God. And Jesus. And the ethereal “Him” or “He”. I am telling you, there is no other reason that I am healthy emotionally, physically and spiritually except for His healing power.
The past two weeks have been a rough patch for me. Maybe for Aaron, too. We’re weary. We’re tired of waiting. Tonight for a few hours I felt immobile, unable to feel a whole lot or express much. Have you ever been depressed? That’s what depression does to you. It’s almost a physical cloud that hovers above you, keeping you from feeling, doing, acting. It’s strange. You would think, Well, why don’t you just snap out of it?! For a lot of people, with therapy they’re able to. Some are even able to self-talk themselves out of it. For others, the feeling drives them to literal insanity.
For just those few hours I remembered what I had been through. The pit I was in, an indescribable pit of loneliness and self-pity. Getting cozy in a bean bag of self-pity can actually be soothing [for the moment], as crazy as it sounds. All your attention is focused on you and how horrible you feel. If you’re lucky, people feel sorry for you and are therefore paying attention to you.
This is no way to live. For seven years I dealt with “dysthymia”, or chronic mild depression. This isn’t really the bad bad kind, where I was suicidal. But I remember being very emo sometimes, writing a lot of poetry that was albeit good but sad. I was always looking for how a song or story related to my life. Although I was depressed, I was high-functioning and came up with some great coping mechanisms. My main antidote was my success in school, which is how it became an idol and never brought true satisfaction. Being depressed is a very selfish state of being, but unless you’ve been there yourself or by association, don’t judge.
I did go to therapy and was also on medication for about two years. Biology was involved in my diagnosis. Gotta love the genetics. But God can heal even genetics. I mean, of course He can; He’s the one who created it! He can change our family trees. I pray even now that our children will be free of mental illness.
My tattoo on my back says “Jehovah Raphe” and “God is my healer”. Same meaning, different languages. God brought me out of the pit of depression. He reached out His perfect hand to my imperfect body and healed me.
I think sometimes He allows me to feel a little of what I used to feel most of the time, just so I am reminded of what He’s done for me. I think it’s also so I can be moved to feel compassion for those living in that state. Even though I’ve been there, I find myself quick to judge just like the rest of the world. Well, if that person would just eat better, or exercise, or go to therapy. But it’s not that easy.
Anyone who has known me for several years (including my darling husband, going on eight years together) could attest to my codependency, neediness, and clingy-ness. I looked for redemption in everything but the right thing. I was saved, but I was still struggling because of that stronghold. I’ve now been off of medication and therapy for over two years.
“Trust and obey, for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.”
Just a note: I am in no way suggesting that therapy and/or medication are not good or should be avoided. I believe there is a reason God has equipped people today with the tools needed to help other people.