Month: December 2010

>I assume that most people have a sense of home. It could be emotional, and nostalgia could take over when you think about your hometown. It could be physical, as I have heard. I read or heard somewhere that it’s programmed somewhere in us what “home” feels like home based on the magnetic pole.. something we gravitate to. I think I’ll do a little more research on that, personally.

I grew up in the same house in the same town practically my whole life. It’s amazing how the house can physically stay the same, but as I grow older it seems to shrink. Things seem to not sparkle like they used to. Rooms change their furniture, lighting, arrangement. But do you notice that the house always smells like “home”? I’m not sure how to describe it. It’s like when you go on a long trip and come home and you walk in the door and feel relieved. Smells are very important parts of our memory.

For me, the important smells from my childhood are the cedar fragrance of the hand-carved cedar chest in my parents’ living room, the mixed smells of tobacco and oil of my dad’s quilted flannel jacket, and the Tide and Downy combo my mom used when doing laundry.

Whenever I smell these things, no matter where I am, it brings me home. Memories flood through my senses.

There have been other places I’ve felt “home”, too. My current apartment, for example. I’ve been here almost three years. There’s nothing quite like your first place as a married couple. I love going to someone else’s house and taking off my shoes and feeling at “home”. My aunt’s, my grandma’s, my grandparents’, my in-laws’. Growing up I had two friends, Jackie and Tanya, whose houses also smelled like home.

Feeling at home in the physical realm is easy. I am blessed to have been raised in a stable place and have such a strong sense of belonging my in community and social circles. Feeling at home in the spiritual realm has been a challenge lately.

I’m not sure where to begin as I’m not quite sure what has been happening. I mentioned after my race and whatnot the first week of November, I felt a sort of falling out. Nothing drastic, nothing that can’t be redeemed with prayer. But I felt a “honeymoon” stage of my spiritual walk fade away. I had a spiritual awakening earlier in the year that truly began when my husband left for training. I had made a conscious decision and effort to immerse myself in God-centered activities.

Just like any human relationship, strength is built on working through the times when you just don’t “feel” it. And with God, it’s easier to feel disconnected as you don’t physical encouragement like hugs to feel Him right there.

I’ve really been pondering this idea of God’s will. Not just pondering, but working through. Honestly, I’ve felt so much disappointment in the past two months. Things were really going my way for months and then all of a sudden it just stopped. Did God will it? Did He intend for me to feel disappointed? Why did I feel so strongly that Korea was going to be “it” for the next couple years?

My current stance on God’s will is more like my husband’s.. that if you are following Jesus as best you can and desire to do His will, and not straying from the statutes in the Bible, then you are most probably doing His will. In a sense, you are His will….

I think what happened was that I put all my eggs into one futuristic basket. I totally projected my existence and my ideas into the future and completely disregarded what was happening in the present. I was so convinced that something was “God’s will” that I didn’t see any other possibilities until it was staring me in the face late one night during a conversation with Aaron.

And as a consequence, I felt disappointed. I can’t say I felt abandoned; I definitely wouldn’t go that far. But disappointed in myself for the expectations I placed on the situation. And I don’t just mean Korea. There have been many other situations and relationships where I have felt disappointment.

I feel like I’ve taken a step back and tried to see things from an outside eye. One of Gardner’s multiple intelligences is logical/mathematical intelligence. I’ve definitely been employing that… looking at my life from every angle.

I really wish I could be more specific about what’s going on. I’ve felt kind of lost.. knowing where I should be or could be but not sure how to get there. I’ve been indifferent to a lot… and needing a break all around. I love church and worship and Bible study, but I’ve felt a need to take a break for a few weeks in order to come back refreshed.

I guess it’s no surprise on how someone arrives here. We fill our days with so much junk, truly. We overextend ourselves, neglect our need to exercise and relax and just… meditate. I don’t mean that in a new-age way, just in a human way. It’s our need to think and process. I would say we spread ourselves too thin, but that evokes an imagine of covering a large area and only going an inch deep. What we do is cover a lot of area and invest a lot of time and energy into everything.

Is it possible to get to a place where we don’t care to make everyone happy? Where we are content with relaxing, slowing down, enjoying the world around us? Is it possible to finally latch on to living every day with the Lord, side by side, instead of grasping for straws in the future?

I had a small revelation a few weeks ago. I realized how simple life can be as a Christ follower.

Here’s what I realized. You ready? Here it is: Be Jesus to the world.

Poof, abracadabra. With a wave of my magic wand, I revealed what life is all about on this earth. I’ve been in both camps: one where I didn’t really feel the Holy Spirit, and one where there was at time too much emphasis placed on the Holy Spirit. I’m ready to live life with balance. I am convinced, however, that to do this is impossible without having lived a little. Though I’m not yet twenty-five (April) I think I’ve lived quite a bit. I’m ready to live life with dramatically less worry and anxiety and exponentially more trust and daily ambition.

>Lean Cuisine for lunch. Travel coffee mugs in the sink. Kitty on my lap.

Those are just a few signs that I’m living it up as a “bachelorette”. It’s been almost twenty months since my husband left for Basic training, and then Advanced training, and now he’s in South Korea. I’ve finally, finally, admitted to myself that it’s okay to not cook every night, or for a week. It’s okay to spend just $20 a week on groceries, and eat out sometimes. It’s okay to have a lot of girls’ nights with movies and popcorn and Starbucks and knitting. That’s life right now.

Sometimes it gets lonely, like tonight. I spend all day now with lots of little people, and then I have other activities after work. When I come home, strangely enough I wish someone were here. Well, a very certain someone. Soon and very soon. I turned on the Christmas lights, lit the candles and turned on Biggest Loser on Hulu to not feel so alone.

My kitteh, Luthor, has been a great companion. He’s really come around since our first day together. He’s sweeter, he hangs out and lays around right next to me. He also lets me know when it’s morning so he can get some food. I hope we can get a dog when we move. A big one. That I can train to run with me.

Doesn’t he look thrilled?

I’ve been on a break from running this week. I stayed home sick yesterday with a short but nasty sinus infection. Antibiotics, ibuprofen, and sleep did the trick! I felt about 95% today when I woke up. I hope to do a long run on Saturday. We still have a few weeks before we really need to crank out the training. (Only 4.5 months until the marathon!)

Four more days of school (yes, we go next Monday and Tuesday), three more days at Jo-Ann (Saturday, Thursday and Friday) and I’m on break! I love being on a salary contract, and I’m excited for what the future of this next semester will hold.

Now it’s off to finally curl up with my book (Chronicles of Narnia) and hot tea before getting to bed at a decent time. ‘Night!

>And no, I’m not talking about accepted friend requests on Facebook.

Today I went back to the classroom as a full-time aide at yet another small rural district. For some reason I am drawn to them. I guess I prefer the familiarity and closeness that they afford. And to be fair, I’ve never taught in a large district, not full-time anyway. Maybe I would like it more.

I met twenty-six six and seven year-olds who will be my friends from now until the end of the school year. I am known as “Mrs. W.” (I can thank my husband for my strange last name… [love you babe!]). I love the fact that I am a certified teacher and have had some classroom experience. When the teacher went home sick today, I had no qualms about taking over the class for the rest of the day. You get to know the students quickly when you are with them all day long.

To be brutally honest, I had never had any iota of desire to teach elementary, or be involved full-time like this. I had done my share of teaching piano and working at Sylvan. But when I was casually browsing websites of preferred school districts, I came across this opportunity and decided to go for it.

I’m glad I did. I can use my degree, get paid a more agreeable wage than retail, and get some experience at the elementary level. My certificate qualifies me to teach K-12 Spanish, but my only true experience teaching Spanish has been from junior high and older.

In some aspects, teaching is teaching and students are students. I know I will say many of the same things I did in high school. And really, a lot of what this age learns of language is similar to the starting point of foreign language at the secondary level.

While I will be working full-time when Aaron’s home (January) I have the advantage of having nights and weekends off. And his schedule will be changing this week so I’ll be able to get to sleep around ten instead of beginning our conversation then.

Now, off to not work on lesson plans. 🙂 And to combat this sinus infection with relaxing and lots of fluids!

>Well, maybe that’s too bold of a statement.

In my “perfect” mind, nothing is ever good enough. I read this book cover to cover growing up.

I can run two and a half miles tonight with a pace of 9:31, which is great for me, and still not be happy.

I can get a job that seemed to fall out of the sky (as my current job did back in August) and still feel just “eh” about it.

I can graduate with a 3.74, magna cum laude, and still not be happy because I didn’t achieve summa cum laude, even though I was only .07 away.

I can work many hours a week, do extra activities, take care of the apartment and still feel guilty about taking time to relax.

I can learn how to say “no” on a daily basis to doing more and then feel guilty later for not taking it on.

I can be successful and fulfilled in my teaching career but still look back wondering what medical school would have been like.

I can try to be the peacemaker in every situation, but believe it or not, people actually are responsible for their own actions, and not everyone likes me all the time, or at all. And that’s life. But I still feel like I fail.

This “disease” has haunted me my entire life. Read: entire. From piano lessons to reading to spelling to clarinet to school to boys to… everything. There have been times when I really have felt like I’ve put in my all and I am content with the results. For example, my recent races. I prepared and achieved and that’s that.

Perfectionism is just another name for our lurking enemy, “seeking whom he may devour”. Like we talked several weeks ago in our college/young adult small group, he doesn’t care what name he goes by as long as he gets attention. And Lord knows, literally, how much I’ve given in.

I think what it comes down to is selfishness. It’s so selfish to think it’s all about us. That my achievements in life are so important that people are watching for the first step in which I falter. Who does that?? … And if they do, then they need to “tend to their own  plate”, as my daddy would say.

I think that honestly it will be an uphill battle, arrows at the ready. The truths in God’s word will be my weapons, and the knowledge and presence of the Lord will be my shield.

If you struggle with this in any way, or with low self-esteem because you compare yourself to everyone around you, please take a moment to read this:

” ¹² We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. ¹³ We, however, will not boast beyond proper limits, but will confine our boasting to the sphere of service God himself has assigned to us, a sphere that also includes you. ¹⁴ We are not going too far in our boasting, as would be the case if we had not come to you, for we did get as far as you with the gospel of Christ. ¹⁵ Neither do we go beyond our limits by boasting of work done by others. Our hope is that, as your faith continues to grow, our sphere of activity among you will greatly expand, ¹⁶ so that we can preach the gospel in the regions beyond you. For we do not want to boast about work already done in someone else’s territory. ¹⁷ But, “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” ¹⁸ For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.” [[II Cor. 10:12-18]]