>At home in body and spirit

>I assume that most people have a sense of home. It could be emotional, and nostalgia could take over when you think about your hometown. It could be physical, as I have heard. I read or heard somewhere that it’s programmed somewhere in us what “home” feels like home based on the magnetic pole.. something we gravitate to. I think I’ll do a little more research on that, personally.

I grew up in the same house in the same town practically my whole life. It’s amazing how the house can physically stay the same, but as I grow older it seems to shrink. Things seem to not sparkle like they used to. Rooms change their furniture, lighting, arrangement. But do you notice that the house always smells like “home”? I’m not sure how to describe it. It’s like when you go on a long trip and come home and you walk in the door and feel relieved. Smells are very important parts of our memory.

For me, the important smells from my childhood are the cedar fragrance of the hand-carved cedar chest in my parents’ living room, the mixed smells of tobacco and oil of my dad’s quilted flannel jacket, and the Tide and Downy combo my mom used when doing laundry.

Whenever I smell these things, no matter where I am, it brings me home. Memories flood through my senses.

There have been other places I’ve felt “home”, too. My current apartment, for example. I’ve been here almost three years. There’s nothing quite like your first place as a married couple. I love going to someone else’s house and taking off my shoes and feeling at “home”. My aunt’s, my grandma’s, my grandparents’, my in-laws’. Growing up I had two friends, Jackie and Tanya, whose houses also smelled like home.

Feeling at home in the physical realm is easy. I am blessed to have been raised in a stable place and have such a strong sense of belonging my in community and social circles. Feeling at home in the spiritual realm has been a challenge lately.

I’m not sure where to begin as I’m not quite sure what has been happening. I mentioned after my race and whatnot the first week of November, I felt a sort of falling out. Nothing drastic, nothing that can’t be redeemed with prayer. But I felt a “honeymoon” stage of my spiritual walk fade away. I had a spiritual awakening earlier in the year that truly began when my husband left for training. I had made a conscious decision and effort to immerse myself in God-centered activities.

Just like any human relationship, strength is built on working through the times when you just don’t “feel” it. And with God, it’s easier to feel disconnected as you don’t physical encouragement like hugs to feel Him right there.

I’ve really been pondering this idea of God’s will. Not just pondering, but working through. Honestly, I’ve felt so much disappointment in the past two months. Things were really going my way for months and then all of a sudden it just stopped. Did God will it? Did He intend for me to feel disappointed? Why did I feel so strongly that Korea was going to be “it” for the next couple years?

My current stance on God’s will is more like my husband’s.. that if you are following Jesus as best you can and desire to do His will, and not straying from the statutes in the Bible, then you are most probably doing His will. In a sense, you are His will….

I think what happened was that I put all my eggs into one futuristic basket. I totally projected my existence and my ideas into the future and completely disregarded what was happening in the present. I was so convinced that something was “God’s will” that I didn’t see any other possibilities until it was staring me in the face late one night during a conversation with Aaron.

And as a consequence, I felt disappointed. I can’t say I felt abandoned; I definitely wouldn’t go that far. But disappointed in myself for the expectations I placed on the situation. And I don’t just mean Korea. There have been many other situations and relationships where I have felt disappointment.

I feel like I’ve taken a step back and tried to see things from an outside eye. One of Gardner’s multiple intelligences is logical/mathematical intelligence. I’ve definitely been employing that… looking at my life from every angle.

I really wish I could be more specific about what’s going on. I’ve felt kind of lost.. knowing where I should be or could be but not sure how to get there. I’ve been indifferent to a lot… and needing a break all around. I love church and worship and Bible study, but I’ve felt a need to take a break for a few weeks in order to come back refreshed.

I guess it’s no surprise on how someone arrives here. We fill our days with so much junk, truly. We overextend ourselves, neglect our need to exercise and relax and just… meditate. I don’t mean that in a new-age way, just in a human way. It’s our need to think and process. I would say we spread ourselves too thin, but that evokes an imagine of covering a large area and only going an inch deep. What we do is cover a lot of area and invest a lot of time and energy into everything.

Is it possible to get to a place where we don’t care to make everyone happy? Where we are content with relaxing, slowing down, enjoying the world around us? Is it possible to finally latch on to living every day with the Lord, side by side, instead of grasping for straws in the future?

I had a small revelation a few weeks ago. I realized how simple life can be as a Christ follower.

Here’s what I realized. You ready? Here it is: Be Jesus to the world.

Poof, abracadabra. With a wave of my magic wand, I revealed what life is all about on this earth. I’ve been in both camps: one where I didn’t really feel the Holy Spirit, and one where there was at time too much emphasis placed on the Holy Spirit. I’m ready to live life with balance. I am convinced, however, that to do this is impossible without having lived a little. Though I’m not yet twenty-five (April) I think I’ve lived quite a bit. I’m ready to live life with dramatically less worry and anxiety and exponentially more trust and daily ambition.

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