>Disappointed and downtrodden

>I’m not quite sure how to start this entry. I’ve been wanting to write it for awhile now, but just haven’t had the right words or been in the right mindset.

I’m going to be straight-up honest. I have not been in the Word and praying like I should. Definitely not like I was, definitely not like I should be at this stage of my relationship with God. I’ve felt burned out with church activities, especially Christmas. I think I was on the edge of tears for two days that week. I’m so sick of having a long-distance relationship with my two-dimensional husband.

I try to analyze it all, and I know where I got off track. There’s no one to blame but myself. I act like I’m the only one going through disappointment. If I would just read my Bible (ahem!) I would see that there is a myriad of people who met big disappointment in their lives.

Throughout the time of waiting for Korea, I attributed every single thing to God’s will. I remember specifically one time I prayed in the shower (as good of a place as any, right?) for the list to move, and I checked it that day and it did. Therefore I thought that God was going to get me to Korea. Thing is, He never said that. I assumed. And we all know what happens when we assume that….

So, when it didn’t happen, when all my worst fears realized, I of course took it personally. Without saying it, but definitely acting like it, I blamed God for me not going to Korea. It was His fault.

It’s like in junior high when your best friend slights you, or says something behind your back, or tattles on you, and you give them the cold shoulder. Except God doesn’t ever act out of malice. But I’ve given Him the cold shoulder.

I don’t really understand what I’m trying to gain with this attitude. I’ve been going about my life.. work, running, watching my favorite shows on Netflix, reading, whatever and have purposely left Bible study and prayer out of it. I absolutely know what I’m doing, and what I think I’m doing is sticking it to the Man. Seriously, Elizabeth? Seriously? I shake my head at myself.

And of course on top of this, I have a hard time accepting that He will take us back again and again (exactly what Brian O. preached on Sunday). Like many of you, I grew up in a household where you were punished in some manner for bad behavior. Every time I did something wrong, I got in trouble until I could learn to not do it again. I sometimes feared being in trouble. Not for physical affliction, but just for that horrible sinking feeling when you know you’ve done something wrong.

I’m waiting for the spanking, for the disapproving look. And it hasn’t come. And I wonder why in the world I’m throwing my immensely imperfect perception of God onto God Himself. Why can’t I just accept His unconditional love for me, kiss and make up, and move on? Well… when you have a twisted view of you think who God should be, that’s who He will seem to look like. He will seem to act like that because that’s what you expect. Huh. Interesting concept.

I have to say, this has been one of the most disappointing experiences I’ve had as an adult. I don’t even compare life now to life as a teenager because circumstances are so different. I’ve never felt more bitterness towards an institution. 

I want to find a balance in living a spiritual life and living a life on earth, if that makes any sense. I go through seasons. My most recent one before this was full of only Christian/worship music, only nice words coming out of my mouth, only joy being felt. That is not practical. I will screw up and say something I shouldn’t. I don’t deny that I enjoy a lot of “secular” music. A lot. And of course, we don’t always feel joy. It shouldn’t be all or nothing, but instead a healthy balance. Am I making sense to anyone here?

I think once I get past this season, I will have a renewed perception of God, my God, who forever loves and cherishes and longs for the attention of His children. None of the major things have changed: I love Jesus, I’m still saved. He still loves me. What a lovely and redeeming truth!