Fear of failure

I’ve had a major breakthrough recently that explains, well, a lot. I have a crazy fear of failure and a major lack of commitment… I know it’s only human, but it fuels a lot of my decision making.

I went to Bradley because I was afraid I couldn’t afford or be successful in med school. I mean, I was at the top of my class, but could I really be an expert in science and medicine??

I majored in Spanish instead of music (piano) or math because I was afraid I’d have to actually work at something. My piano teacher,  a professor at Bradley, wanted me to practice at least four hours a day. Um, what?! And as far as math goes, Calc 2 was hard. Like, crying my eyes out and panic attack before finals hard. (P.S. I got an A. Yeah.)

I’m good at Spanish. I’m good at teaching. In fact, I think I’m a pretty great teacher. I’m glad I went to school for something that I could do and use in the real world. I really believe that I’m called to be a teacher.

Honestly, the reason I haven’t pursued a teaching position here in El Paso is not explained by the following statements excuses:

• I’m happy with being a part-time SAHW (stay-at-home wife).
• I’m okay with working part-time.
• I’m relieved to not have to do the lesson planning, grading, and dealing with parents. (Oh wait, I deal with parents in my job more now than I ever did teaching.)
• I’m a military wife; who will want to hire me?
• At least I have a job in my field.
• It’s expensive to recertify in another state.
• I’ll look for something when we “settle”.
• I’ll just spend the time getting my Master’s. Might as well.

The excuses make me sick. What happened to the go-getter who actually worked for what she wanted?? I’m afraid that girl’s been hiding for a long, long time. I’m not sure when the transition was, but somewhere along the way, I must have failed at something and then became afraid.

That’s it, folks. I’m afraid. I’m scared that my Spanish will just suck. I’m scared I won’t pass my certification tests the first time. I’m scared of not getting an interview. I’m scared of getting an interview and totally botching it. I’m scared of actually getting a job and having to perform at a certain level. I’m scared of not getting my contract renewed.

I’m a walking self-fulfilling prophecy. This is not how a follower of Christ walks in faith!

I could go on about the other things in life I decide I will, you know, certainly fail in before I even try, but I’ll stick with this topic since it’s the most pertinent in my life right now. I think about it, a lot.

So. This is what I want to do. I want to eventually secure a full-time teaching position. If that happens next fall, fine, if not, fine. Chances are we’re going to be here for quite a while, if not the next four years until Aaron’s done. And we might even settle in Texas somewhere depending on job opportunities. Thing is, I’m gonna take steps towards my career goal(s). I want to teach. I want to someday be a professor.

I’m still planning on starting my Master’s (and yes, I’m even scared of that!).

Now that I’ve realized my biggest weakness, I can begin transforming it into my biggest strength. I’ve decided to have a better attitude at my current job and see it as a stepping stone to the next big thing in my life.