I’ve lost almost 4 pounds this week. Not from working out and eating right, but from not eating enough. I’m stressed. I’m confused. I’m indecisive. Besides the fact that I’ve made a decision for Christ, I don’t know if you could tell right now that I’m a Christ-follower. I wake up on Sundays and want to just have my day off, because I “deserve it”. I’ve not had the best sleep this week either, but thankfully I’m not an insomniac… yet.
I’m fed up and ready to move on, but I don’t want to make any decisions out of desperation. My desperation should be leading me to the cross, but I know what I would find there…. I’d find a reason to stop being worrisome. I’d find reasons to tough it out. I’d find reasons to trust. Why in the world do I think my handle on things is any better than God’s? It’s totally absolutely not.
I don’t feel blessed. Of course, my definition has a lot to do with having enough money in the bank account for emergencies, having mostly great days at work, and getting in 4-5 workouts per week. Being blessed in my world is having the house picked up most night of the week and the coffee ready to brew in the morning.
A good friend of mine gave me great advice. I can either go through the fire now, or it’ll be licking at my heels until I do. Refining is not easy, and I don’t like it. I just don’t. The same friend referred me to Philippians 4, and I jumped ahead to verse 13. It is so well-known, but I didn’t realize the gem that is verse 12.
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
I’m ready for something new, and I just want God to tell me what to do. I’m learning to be content, but damn, it’s hard. I’m searching for direction for this “quarter life crisis”. I’m not so sure it’s as much a crisis as it is having to work for what I want in life. Things have come very easily to me… school was easy, college was relatively easy, having satisfying jobs for the past few years was easy even in this economy…. and now I’m having to work for it. At the age of almost 26, I look in the mirror and say, “Welcome to life, Elizabeth, and don’t mind the tiny tiny crow’s feet appearing next to your eyes.”
I think life is mostly like this. We live in a fallen world; it’s inevitable. I have to learn how to be content and see the bigger picture and not get lost in the details. You can’t see where the path goes if you’re focused on only the five feet in front of you. I don’t think the decision lies so much in what I do… but who I decide to become…
I have to include a few points from the sermon on Sunday, you know, when I wanted to just stay in bed… Pastor was talking about what a blessed life and blessed church look like, and this is what he said about a blessed life…
A blessed life…
–Has a right attitude (Uhhhhh. My work starts here….)
–Is obedient to God (let’s just say I have some authority issues and can throw temper tantrums…)
–Is a disciple (this can only happen if I’m actually reading the Bible)
–Has a sense of the Holy Spirit (I think this happens full-force when the other three are in place…)
Just keep swimming…