Today I’m anxious and excited. Anxious because of the unknown. Excited to see family, even under such horrible circumstances. I’ve never lost a close family member before. Other members of my family have, but I personally haven’t. I shared in their sorrow when my uncle died, when my great-grandma died, when my mom’s dad died. But it’s nothing like this.
I’ve lost my appetite, and I haven’t been sleeping well. My mind just won’t turn off. I’m hungry, sure, but nothing sounds good except for ice cream and cookie dough. :rolls eyes: Goooooo figure. Let’s just say this isn’t a great diet plan, mmkay? I stayed up until 12:30 last night doing laundry, getting things packed… even before I purchased my plane ticket around midnight I just intuitively started packing. I knew I couldn’t stay here until Sunday… I’m going crazy.
The house is clean and ready for my husband’s arrival. Thank God for people who help out. My parents helped pay for my ticket. I found a lady who does boarding out of her home and has rescue dogs of her own. She has no qualms whatsoever about Missy and her potential behavior. Jess and/or her husband are going to meet Aaron at the airport on Saturday to give him his keys. I will be leaving the car at the airport but he doesn’t have keys and there’s no way I’m leaving the car unlocked with keys in it! My boss is being more than accommodating about me missing a week and a half of work.
Laundry is done, dishes are done, bathrooms are *somewhat* clean. I know Aaron really doesn’t care, but I do. Cleaning is therapy for me and let’s just say I did a lot of that last night. The last two days were really rough emotionally, and I know it’s not over.
I’m also anxious because I’m taking these two classes for a certificate that won’t even transfer to my Illinois teaching certificate (the classes are in Indiana). One of the classes has four units due next Thursday. My prof is unwilling to give me an extension past July 1st. Well, guess what, I’m not going home to sit in front of a computer and do homework. I’m going home for no other reason other than to attend these services and spend time with my family, and my Grammie.
I’m excited to see my family, my parents, my sister Emily, and my sister Leah who’s pregnant and has her first appointment tomorrow. I’m excited to meet my cousin’s new son. It’s so like life, like God, isn’t it?, to overlap death and life like this. I’m excited to see Aaron’s family and my friends, if there’s time. I’m excited to see Aaron when I get back next Sunday. I miss him.
Sometimes I’m in a raging calm, super efficient and level-headed. Sometimes I’m crying my eyes out and cussing up a storm. A STORM. That’s grief. Everyone experiences it differently. Something that I’m super proud of is that I know what my limits are. I’m ready to withdraw from this class if I need to. Maybe some would see that as giving up, but I don’t. I weigh my options and see what’s really important. I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that grad school hasn’t worked out for me yet. I keep trying and trying to make it work, and maybe it’s not supposed to. I am totally fine with that, and that’s just not the current circumstances talking.
Adrenaline allows you to do things you didn’t think you could. In less than two days, I’ve made all necessary arrangements, cleaned the house, packed, and speaking of packing I think I’ve remembered everything without a list, and without having to check a bag.
Wish me safe travels; by this time tomorrow I will be connecting in Chicago and on my way to Peoria. I have running clothes packed… maybe that’s a little hopeful, but it’s therapy.