This Lenten practice of writing a little every day about a prompt is difficult. Not because I can’t think of what to say – I love writing in almost any form – but because it’s forcing me to ‘come clean’ about things. Not to ‘confess’ my sins or anything, but to actually start saying out loud what’s been in my soul for months. That said…
I’ve felt broken for most of my life. When I was a little girl, I felt broken because I was the ‘smart’ one, and was therefore made fun of, cast out of social groups, etc. (I also developed an immense arrogance about my intelligence, which was probably a way of trying to make myself feel better.) When I became a teenager, I felt broken because I felt like my body was just… weird. I got super tall, super fast, and then towards the end of high school I really ‘filled out’. My feet seemed huge (size 10-10.5), my hips and bust seemed too big, and I had cellulite! Imagine! My aunt reassured me that I was proportionate, but I felt anything but.
From the time I turned about 20 until now, it’s been a struggle to love my body. I’ve fluctuated in weight, but maintained a certain weight for a long period of time. I’ve struggled with my love of food, specifically sweets. I’ve struggled with my desire to workout or commit to training.
Now that I’m (almost) 30, I’m coming into a season where I’m beginning to love and accept my body. Technically I’m overweight right now. Post-deployment and trying-to-conceive stress manifested itself in emotional eating and (some) emotional drinking.
However, since the new year, I’ve turned a new leaf and really enjoyed running and working out, and I’ve been able to have some more self-control. We’re getting up around 5 AM to work out most days. I ran 56 miles in February. We applied for new life insurance policies and therefore had to have bloodwork done. Mine came back with flying colors. The only thing that was too high was my good cholesterol. The results made me feel good, that despite being overweight by somebody else’s standards, I’m still healthy. My body can still do good things despite not being able to get pregnant.
Yay, right? Good for me, right? Look at me, I did that! Except not really. I can try as I might to manage my own brokenness. I can try to modify what I see in the mirror, but true healing of brokenness only comes from the in-dwelling of the Holy Spirit.
Sometime in the past couple years or so, I had a revelation. I thought about my elderly relatives, one of whom will turn 100 this summer (100!!!), and I think about what we’ll say after she’s gone. ‘She was a loving mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and great-great-grandmother. She was patient. She was a faithful wife.’ None of those statements have to do with her body, or how many pounds overweight/underweight she is, or how many marathons she ran.
It then occurred to me that what I want to think about on my death bed is not how well I maintained my ‘ideal’ or ‘happy’ weight, or how many miles I ran per month, but how complete I was in Christ. How I did His bidding, and completed my earthly tasks with grace, dignity, and excellence. How I let the Holy Spirit continually heal and mend me. I don’t want to leave this earth with a trail of brokenness behind me.
Will your grace run out
If I let you down
‘Cause all I know
Is how to run
‘Cause I am a sinner
If it’s not one thing it’s another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
Will You call me child
When I tell you lies
‘Cause all I know
Is how to cry
‘Cause I am a sinner
If it’s not one thing it’s another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
You make it beautiful
You make it beautiful
‘Cause I am a sinner
If it’s not one thing it’s another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
I am a sinner
If it’s not one thing it’s another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies, oh yeah
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
‘Brokenness Aside’ – All Sons and Daughters
mercies per mile 