Grit and Grime

Running, specifically long distance running, has a way of stripping a person down to the inner grit and grime of who she is. The effects of using all the body’s energy and breaking down muscle only to be rebuilt stronger don’t discriminate between man, woman, young, old, affluent, poor, elite, not elite (read: me).

Today’s long run was more of a mental feat than a physical one. I’ve had this habit of doubting myself lately and what my body can accomplish. It’s still probably leftover from feeling an ultimate betrayal from my body, but what can I do besides keep pushing through it?

It wasn’t the number of miles that got to me today. It was the utter horrible, bitter, angry thoughts that found their way into my head during the last third of my run. For about 7 miles, I saw who I really can be sometimes at my core – jealous, envious, certainly not well-wishing. Something I realized though is that while I don’t generally feel that way anymore, it brought to light some interesting or surprising revelations about myself that are hard to confront.

I think God wants to reveal these things to me so I can be forgiven, but I push it down most of the time. It’s only on a 20-mile run that I’m a captive audience with little distraction but passing cars and music.

The truth is, I need redemption and love and to not feel lonely in the world. I need to feel like my life matters and that I can do something that counts. I need reassurance that the decisions I’ve made in my life have brought me to this place for a reason. I need to know that any and all hurts I’ve experienced haven’t been in vain. I need to know that even as a broken, hurting soul I still have love to give.

This morning I was mad, angry, jealous, upset. Those emotions felt to my soul like brushing off rough salt felt on my sweaty face. I felt exposed to every person I painfully strode by, not wanting to meet their eyes because I knew I couldn’t muster a fake smile. Surely they could see how grimey and gritty my soul really was.

Today’s run was wholly about the journey, not for one second about the destination. In life the destination is death, and then the afterlife.

But I’m not living (running) to die – I’m living (running) to live.

 

Philly Marathon Training Update

When I think of training for a race, I automatically evaluate it with a “good” or “not so good” or some other adjective to describe what I perceive it’s been like. Truth is, every day I get out there and pound the pavement in search of health (physical and mental), it’s a good day. And it’s a good training cycle.

Recently I’ve been down on myself about my paces. Why I’m not faster. Why some runs just feel so slllooowww. I try to find reasons, justifications, for why this could be. I compare myself to other runners on specifically Instagram, who provide inspiration, but who also are in a literal different league than I am running-wise. And that’s okay.

My health has been a struggle for a couple years. I’m talking about collective physical, mental, and emotional health. When I found out I was hypothyroid, my doctor said he couldn’t believe I had the energy to train for a marathon (last year, Marine Corps). The thing is, I didn’t. I absolutely didn’t.

This year feels so much better. I’m still staring down this next 26.2 and wondering some days how it’ll get done, but it will. So far I haven’t been plagued by sickness or injury. Let me just say that yours truly knows how to do rest days. I’ve been practicing yoga a couple days a week which has helped immensely with all around strength and flexibility. My chiropractor is happy about that development for sure.

The weather here in Maryland has finally broken – it now feels like fall even though the calendar has told us that it is for almost a month. I hope to see paces get faster and to feel all around better during and after runs. A downside to the changing season is the darkness in the morning. I waffle back and forth on whether I like the peace or whether it freaks me out. I invested in this running flashlight to help me not wipe out like I did a few weeks ago. I’m sure it’ll get a lot of use in the coming months.

It’s around this time of year that I think about moving my running schedule to after work. Some days, running after work is necessary, but truth be told I love having it done early. That cup of coffee post run is just so so sweet, and I can focus so much better at work not thinking about how I have to run after.

I’m ever so slowly finding a mind shift when it comes to running. Instead of thinking, “I have to run today,” I can say, “I get to run today.” That’s what it’s really all about.