Category: deployment

Day 4 | Empty

Empty

The word ’empty’ usually has a negative connotation. For me, it doesn’t. The picture above reminds me of a abandoned storehouse of some sort close to my hometown. It’s out in the fields, all by itself, and it serves as a landmark on the local interstate. I always thought it was pretty in a shabby chic kind of way, like it hearkened back to a different time.

When Jesus was resurrected from His earthly tomb, the fact that it was now empty was cause for celebration. It had been abandoned because He now lives. Empty = positive connotation.

Part of my spiritual journey has taken place in my numerous pairs of running shoes in varying states of wear. Today I did my long run on the treadmill because it’s just too cold to do it outside. But I felt the same sense of emptiness after my run. Running, for me, is cathartic and empties me of not just sweat, but also bad attitudes, anxiety, and fear. It leaves me empty and ready to face the rest of the day.

When I was training for a half marathon a couple years ago, the running group I was part of met on Sunday mornings for the long runs. I would get up super early, drive to meet up with them in the dark. We would run and usually as we crested the top of the first big hill, we saw the sun rise in all its Southwestern glory. After the run, I’d shower and then go to church.

During that time as well, my husband was deployed, 7,000 miles away. I needed God tremendously during that time, and going to church after I’d spent my physical and mental energy running around mountains gave me an opportunity to really receive everything each Sunday morning. I came to church empty of my own wants, desires, and attitudes. I was vulnerable.

So, that abandoned building near the interstate is overgrown now with animals and foliage, I’m sure, but it’s empty of itself. It’s served a purpose and is now a vessel ready to be used or changed into something new.

Readings for today:

Thank you.

I wanted to post this on Facebook, but it got too long… so here it is. My emotions are running high this week (and today I’m hopped up on Sudafed, because of course I would get sick this week), but you can be assured that I mean every word.

As this deployment comes to a close, I want to thank everyone immensely for all your support and prayers throughout this time. While I’ve stayed busy and managed to hold down the fort (sometimes it felt like just barely), I could not have done it without your support.

A special thanks goes out to my adopted El Paso family who have taken me in as their own for holidays and just because, laughed with me, cried with me, run with me, served youth with me, enjoyed a coffee, lunch, or sushi date, prayed with me, gone camping in Ruidoso, taken me to or picked me up from the airport, come for me when I got lost in the New Mexican desert on a trail run, inculcated me into Mexican culture (always a dream for this former Spanish teacher), and taught this huera some border slang. 😉

When we moved here three years ago, it was the first time I’d moved more than 15 miles away from both our families. I knew that we’d find a church and make friends, but I never could have imagined the amazing relationships that would be grown as brothers and sisters in Christ. I would have gone (even more) crazy without my church family. And that’s why I encourage anyone who moves away to find a church right away. If anything, it’s just a great place to find great people who will surround you with optimism and encouragement.

Thank you also to my sister Leah (and nephew Benjamin!), my friend Jackie, my Aunt Brenda, and my cousin Anita who spent time and money to visit while Aaron was gone.. I enjoyed counting down to your arrival, and the airport became one of my favorite places in El Paso. Those times are unforgettable. The best part? I got each of you all to myself. 😉

This separation has been rough, but adversity can build character if you let it. From my perspective, it’s been the most difficult of all the separations, and I pray to God it’s the last, at least for awhile. I’ve learned to take things to Him in prayer right away. I’ve learned to dive into His Word and intercede for my friends and family. As amazing as friends are, no one can be everything to you all the time. I’ve learned to put my trust in God, the only one who can really comfort us.

I just could not imagine this journey without you all, especially those in El Paso, suffering together in the desert :p. No matter what the future holds, my life has been forever changed by your obedience to “love each other deeply” as the Lord commands.

Approaching homecoming

Shoot, guys. It’s coming up fast. According to my nifty countdown app, we are at 4% left. However, do not be fooled by my technological prowess, friends. I do have a calendar on the wall and I’ve been crossing off days with a Sharpie since I hung it up January 1.

Before we actually went through a deployment, I had all these media-fed ideas of what it would be like. Some of it has come to pass, like the uncertainty of dates, dropped Skype calls, and crazy math to figure out differences in time zones. But some of it won’t be like what you see on TV, or even from homecoming pictures and videos (which, btdubs, make me bawl my eyes out). For us it’ll be different because of the nature of his mission over there. There won’t be a huge ceremony or large formations (thank GOD)… we’re not hiring a photographer… he didn’t wear multi-cam… no skanky dresses (at least not for me!)… I’m not making glittery signs with questionable verbiage about the nature of the first night together. The moment will be more private and mostly ours. I keep thinking I’ll pick him up in the middle of the night, but who knows.

I’ve been in an emotional vacuum for these last couple months as far as the anticipation of homecoming. After you’ve been through long separations like this, you learn to shut off that part of yourself. It’s good, really, because anything else is just a roller coaster, and you save yourself from potential disappointment. But now that we’re getting so close, my emotions are sputtering to life.

For us, and for lots of military couples out there, life will be all different but the same all at once. I can’t just drop my whole life in order to reacclimate my husband to our life stateside. It’s a strange feeling, because I had always pictured being able to just fall off the face of the planet during block leave. But that’s not even an accurate picture of life. Life has been going on despite the distance… actually, lots has been going on since he left in May… daresay the most important parts of the past few years that we’ve lived here. It’s hard when you realize that there are large chunks of your marriage that you haven’t shared with each other. I can barely put in words what it’s like to be married and be “one” and all that, but at the same time not be “one.” It’s a very strange feeling. Like phantom limbs.

In the end part of reintegrating into life together is accepting that the other person has had experiences, good or bad, that have shaped them throughout the separation… experiences that you will never get to go through with them. Another part is for me to realize that I won’t have to do everything on my own anymore. I don’t have to take out the trash all the time, or call customer service, or vacuum (can you tell which “jobs” are his?). And while from the outside it may look like it’s easy to let him do those things again, there’s a defiant and resistant part of me that says, “I can do it myself!”

I like the woman I’ve become throughout this deployment. I’ve become more stable emotionally (we’ll see if that sticks…), I’ve learned to take things to God in prayer right away… I’ve learned to just take most things in stride. I’ll be 28 in April and I feel like I’m better, more of who I’ve wanted to become. If that makes any sense. I feel different this time around; definitely more at peace and less anxious.

I want to be able to be that woman when life is complete again. The problem with love and marriage and relationships is that there are emotions… a lot of them. I’ve been so used to being alone, living alone, that sometimes I just don’t react to things that I normally would have if he were here… there’s no one to immediately react to my reactions (unless I call or text a friend), so then it seems silly to react, ya know? And the dog, well, she just looks at me with her enormous, ridiculously buggy eyes and she just gets it. No explanation needed. But even though there will be someone here with me, the someone, I hope I can still have self-control about certain things.

March is going to be a busy month, and we won’t even be together for half of it. That’s right, not even half. He needs to see our family, and I will still be in the middle of the semester and then traveling to Portland to present my research. April and May will also be busy months.. but I’m hoping that after graduation, things can settle back in to normal life, whatever the eff that is. That is, of course, unless we move. 😉 See? Always on the go. Never a dull moment.

Anyway.. I just needed to get some thoughts out so I can go to sleep in peace. There were far too many voices in my head. And now I’ll get all comfy in my bed with the dog… poor thing doesn’t know what’s coming, and I don’t have the heart to tell her. 😉

The year of no resolutions

As I get older, or maybe it’s just as I get wiser (ha) I realize how much I don’t like committing to multiple things for a really long time. Obviously I’m committed to my marriage, that’s kind of a big deal, and I’m committed to Jesus, grad school, and a lifetime of fitness. But pretty much everything else is up for grabs.

Something I’ve really been working on during this deployment is taking things day-by-day. I’ve always been a planner, a ridiculous, meticulous, INSANE planner. In some parts of my life it’s been a blessing to be that way, but in the rest of it, it’s just a pain in the butt. Like, a big one. Being that way has caused me to plan away all my vacation time, with a lot of the reason being that I’m afraid people will be mad at me if I don’t see them. Well, sorry, but I shouldn’t have a guilt trip complex on freaking vacation!

It’s caused me to overcommit to races in my head that I never ended up doing (Bataan last year, a few marathons, etc). And that only leaves me feeling like crap when I’m not running an insane amount of miles for a race I didn’t even sign up for in real life. Again, ain’t nobody got time for a guilt trip.

It’s caused me to get through things instead of enjoy things, as if my life were one giant checklist. Now, I love lists. It’s part of being a planner. But I’d like my lists to become more of a gathering of ideas rather than a “do or DIE” sort of thing.

I no longer want to be overcommitted to things, whether it’s church stuff, social stuff or just…. stuff. Don’t get me wrong; I totally believe that people should follow through with commitments, especially Christians. The world needs less flakiness. My goal is to not say “yes” to things I will have to say “no” to later, and to say “maybe” to things that I’m just not sure about. “Let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ be ‘no’,” ya know? I mean, it’s totally socially acceptable to not be sure about some event happening in a month. A lot can change in a month, especially this thing called life. But if I do commit to something, I will follow through. I think it sets a good example to myself, to others, to children, to people who have known only flaky people. Let’s just stop with the flakiness.

I’m gonna be honest; this week kinda sucked. While I’m glad to be back in El Paso because it means the semester starting soon and a returning husband on his way, I also miss life in Illinois. Having your heart in two places is just… painful. This week I’ve had nothing but time to myself in my house (I know you wives with full-time husbands and mothers, just any mother, is wishing you could have so much time to yourself in your quiet house) and so I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, introspection, and prayer.

This year is the year of no resolutions. I’m not going to commit to not eating certain things, or running a certain number of miles a week, or plan out all of 2014. About the eating, I love eating, and I even like high fructose corn syrup and I can’t promise I won’t eat it sometime in 2014. So there. I’ll get to the running in a minute. And it is impossible for me to plan out all of 2014 because as we’re approaching our 3 years here in El Paso (and husband would like to transfer out of his unit) I don’t even know if we’re moving this year.

About the running. I signed up for the El Paso Marathon as soon as registration opened, because who wouldn’t want a $60 marathon?? I’m about 85% sure I’ll be dropping down to the half. I used so much mental toughness training for Transmountain. I’d never been so diligent and consistent in training for a race before. I kicked butt on that one, and then PR’d my 5K time, which was a 2013 goal. Since then, the holidays happened (need I say more?) and I did keep up with running (10 miles is kinda my fave long distance now) but I have lost all motivation and even guilt to do anything over 13-14. And it gets lonely out there on those long runs, ya know?

What’s more, the other night on the holiday fun run organized by Farrah at Fairy Healthy Life, I felt some weird tweaks in my right leg, things that have annoyed me a little in the past few months. I definitely don’t want to push my luck and end up injured.

Aaron and I are signed up for the Jemez Mountain Trail Run 50K in May in northern New Mexico, and training for that will pick up at the end of February. I have to have motivation for that; a 50K is no joke. I mean, it’s a freaking ultra in the mountains!

So those are the races I’m committed to for 2014. Only 2. At least 2…

So my New Year’s Resolution? To not overcommit to things. And if I’m gonna commit to something, I’ll make good on my promise. I want to be reliable, not flaky. Oh and the other thing? I’m trying to make my bed every day. So far, so good. 😉

Fighting fire with fire.

How do you overcome depression and anxiety, let alone when your husband is deployed? It’s not easy, and if you’re feeling depressed or anxious, so much that it’s starting to affect your every day life, you need to take it seriously. Maybe you’re like me and have dealt with mild or situational depression or anxiety in your life, and it comes and goes depending on your health and stressors at that particular time.

For me, it most recently hit me during my trip home. I have been treated in the past for depression/anxiety, both with therapy and meds. Both were needed at the time and both helped me a lot. Let me say this: there is absolutely no shame in finding help. This is the first time I have considered going back to the doctor since I stopped meds and therapy in 2008. I have a lot of situational stressors going on, so as of right now I’m going to do what I can to control it with lifestyle changes and reevaluate after my husband returns (soon!!!!). By that time, many of the stressors will be gone so I will probably not have to seek professional help. I have dealt with this since I was in junior high, so I know myself and my body very well.

The point of this post is to give some tips to help you if you’re dealing with mild depression or anxiety. I am not a mental health professional by any means; I’m a woman who has a lot of experience with these illnesses and have found little things to do in my life that help me cope without continued therapy and meds.

How do you know if you’re dealing with these illnesses? There are many online resources such as questionnaires that can informally assess your current mental state. If you choose to see a doctor or therapist, they’ll go over your personal and family medical history during your first visit. Be honest; no one is there to judge you. I have mental illness on both sides of my family, so that tipped my doctor off that I might need more than just cognitive behavioral therapy. Biology is hereditary.

1. Take a deep breath and don’t take yourself so seriously. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I just want to cry because it seems that everything is going wrong all at once. Remember that you’re not the only one going through this and that you won’t feel like this forever. Mentally step away from the situation.

2. Make your home your sanctuary. It’s really important that when you come home from work or a night out that your home is comfortable and somewhere you can relax. One way I do this is to make sure the house is cleaned on a regular basis. Ask my husband; I can’t relax unless things are picked up and dishes are done. Buy some candles and light them when you get home. Buy pretty towels for the bathroom. It may sound silly, but little things help.

3. Give yourself “me” time. The amount of “me” time depends on whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, but since I’m the former, I need “me” time to recharge and feel refreshed. I know this all too well, so I try not to plan too many things with friends on a weekly basis. At the most, I’ll reply with a “maybe” if I’m just not sure about doing a particular activity. And it’s okay to say “no”! The night my husband deployed, I had just started final exams; I left my final early to see him off. That night I relaxed with a hot bath and a glass of wine. I made that time for myself and it made the first night alone that much easier.

4. Get a pet. My pit bull mix Missy is my companion when my husband’s not home. She offers protection and companionship, and she’s not too shabby of a running partner either! Of course, pets come with vet and boarding bills, but this time apart from my husband has showed me that it’s worth it!

5. Visit friends and family, or have them visit you. I have been blessed to have both my sisters visit at different times (and one with her new baby!), and my aunt came right after finals were over and we flew back to Illinois together. I just got back from a two-week visit with family. Visits, whether here or there, help you reconnect with family and friends from “back home” and give you something to break up the duration of the time apart.

6. Develop a few close friendships. We’re not meant to go through life alone. Being far away from family can be difficult, but it is possible to find amazing people to go through life with you wherever you’re stationed. Put yourself out there and meet people. Don’t write people off because you might be stationed somewhere new soon. We need each other. And when you get to know people in your community, you’re not just “passing through” anymore; you’re now a part of that community.

7. Set short and long term goals. This could be goals with a hobby, or goals for school. If you have kids, it could be places to see or things to do with your kids. For me, it’s running. While my husband is away, I train for races. Running keeps me sane, fit, gives me an endorphin rush and time to process things.

8. Lower your expectations. Part of my anxiety stems from things related to time. I’m always 5-10 minutes early, to EVERYTHING. It’s just the way I grew up. But in my 27 years I’ve learned that not everyone is like that. My anxiety also is tipped off when I expect to get somewhere in a certain amount of time, and unexpected traffic or a forgotten errand gets in the way of that. Another thing that gets me is when I expect to chat or Skype with my husband and he’s not available. Just take a breath and stay calm.

There are a million more tips and tricks I’ve learned over the years, but these are the ones that have come to mind recently. Every day down is another day closer to homecoming! You’re going to be stronger than the day you started.

During my running in central Illinois, I had some great ideas for blogs. And then I forgot them. Maybe the extensive sunshine and 60-degree highs I came back to in Texas have something to do with it.

I had a great visit home. For the first time I just took things one day at a time and didn’t plan out everything before the plane even hit the ground. I got to see all my nieces and nephews (we have six total now) and witnessed my sister’s baby make progress in walking. For three weeks straight, if you count when my aunt came to visit, I’ve been around people 24/7, unless I was driving somewhere or running. Honestly, it’s kind of lonely being back in my house now, but I’ll pick up my dog tomorrow from boarding.

I’m pretty sure I saw every kind of precipitation there can be within the two weeks I was in the Midwest. Rain, snow, drizzle, mist (yes, that’s a thing), freezing rain… I’m not even sure they have all those words down here. It snowed before I arrived, and then in true Illinois style it melted away two days later. I got out of O’Hare just in time yesterday since it snowed again.

January and February have historically been my least favorite months going on years now. For the time I lived in Illinois, these months meant cold, dreary, gray days for weeks. The spring semester is actually a little longer than the fall, and the first quarter of the new year always feels like forever. Being in the Southwest for the past few new years has definitely helped with the abundant sunshine and spring-like temps.

Deployment is mostly done, and we have a tentative date. But who am I kidding? Every date thus far has been tentative and it seems there’s always fine print. We’ve just let ourselves get excited though, because this has been rough. We’ll take all the excitement we can get. I hope to have my husband back by spring break. Please, Jesus, PLEASE.

So, I have a few numbers for 2013. It was an…. interesting…. year. It’s like the second book in a series… it provides a bridge from the old to the new, and can be kind of boring at times, but it’s necessary all the same.

600+ miles run. Until August, I wasn’t too particular about tracking every mile I ran. I had a good running year, and felt like I grew a lot as a runner. I worked past a lot of mental blocks in order to succeed physically, and that means a lot.

17 ESL students taught. This was a highlight of 2013 for me. And I’ll have about 17 more students this coming semester.

7 months of deployment. From May to December, we completed the majority of this time apart.

4.0 achieved. 30 hours of my grad degree are completed One class and my thesis to finish and I’m DONE!

3 visitors. Both of my sisters (plus baby) and my aunt came to visit. I’m thankful; it helps give something to look forward to.

2 trips. Colorado and Illinois. Both were great.

1 nephew born. My sweet nephew Benjamin. I love that kid.

2014 has potential. We’ll see what it has to offer.

My only resolution? To spend more than a third of the year in the same geographic location as my husband. 😉

Jericho prayers: in progress.

Back in November I made a list of huge, crazy, possible impossible prayers. Looking back at my journal tonight, I found that some of them have been answered. Not that I’m surprised, really, because God is God and He does awesome things. But I did think, Man, wow, He really did hear me! Ummm, you fool. Of course He did. #derp

#1 – That our debt will be paid off & finances released in order to give more to missions and do God’s work more effectively.

A summer research assistantship basically fell into my lap, and the professor heading it up told me that he wasn’t expecting to get the grant money for it at all. Aaron got deployment orders, which secures tax-free income and a bunch of other financial goodies, and I got word that I will be keeping my assistantship into the fall. Making progress!

#2 – That we could be missionaries in the Middle East/North Africa

We went to the World Missions Summit in December and met an amazing couple who serve in Jordan and hit it off with them quite well, actually. Making progress!

#4 (#3 is there, still working on that one!) – That Aaron and I would have an opportunity to travel over there (Middle East) soon.

Aaron’s over there now, deployed. Making progress!

#5 – #9 – Still working on those.

 

So… I guess it’s safe to say that I brought this deployment down from heaven. Hmmm, maybe that’s why I feel so “okay” about it?? I dunno, just thinking out loud here…

I’m posting this as a testimony to God’s faithfulness, and as a reminder to myself that I need to be diligent in praying for these and other “Jericho” prayers. Remember Joshua, and how God told him to march around these ginormous walls and they would eventually come tumbling down? No need to go and fight any dudes.. just march around the city. And it worked! Imagine that.

Imma keep marching.

 

A new kind of separation

We’re almost a week down in Deployment 2013-2014. I have this nifty little thing lovingly called a “Donut of Misery”, and right now mine looks like this:

DOM

Lovely, right? Whew. 2%. We may or may not be a little farther into this than what this says, but we don’t know exactly how long he’ll be gone.

Honestly, I have had a great week. That totally goes against normal expectations. I had finals this week, so I had that to keep me focused. I finally have a total break from everything.. school, work, husband. Naw, just kidding. 😉 I spent the entire afternoon at the spa yesterday, which is something I never thought I’d say. Aaron set me up well before he left with a gift certificate for my birthday. I informed him that he can get me a spa package for every birthday, anniversary and Christmas from now until I die. Srsly.

The weeks before this week, however, were a funny sort of purgatory. You know how it goes… super emotional, crazy, clingy, just downright insane. Me, not him of course. It was probably the worst time we had on the eve of a separation. But now that he’s made it to his destination safely and we’ve been able to chat a few times, and finals are over, I’ve been feeling really really good.

I have a few theories as to why I feel so great even though he’s just left.

1) Basic training had very very little communication. We hadn’t been apart for about two years and so it felt like it was new. There was a lot of hype surrounding his leaving for BCT… it was finally a new job for him, I didn’t know if I was going to move to Arizona with him, etc. I was also still in my first year of teaching and approaching the end of the school year.

2) AIT (job training) in Arizona was spent apart because I had chosen to keep my job in IL so that we could pay down some debt because at that point we literally could not afford for me not to work. We’d be broke.

3) Korea…. ohhhhh Korea. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ghafesrjghrabi&!&@##. This was probably the single most frustrating thing I’d ever experienced. I quit my full-time job. Derp. I should have known better than to quit before I knew for sure that I’d be heading over the big blue ocean. It was a ridiculous waiting game of whether the Army would approve me to move over there, and then after five months of that BS we just decided that it wasn’t happening. On top of that, we had no idea in which country or when we’d see each other again.

Now… well, now we’ve lived in El Paso for two years. We have an amazing set of friends who really are family to us (including some fellow Illinoisans!). I just successfully finished the first year in my Master’s program, with one year to go. I know where I’ll be seeing Aaron next, not just when. We’re not absolutely drowning in debt, in fact, we’re making great progress. I know the job I’ll be working six, even twelve months from now. I have the best canine companion a girl could ask for.

We’ve been in this life for four years now. This separation is what happens when you sign up for the Army. You learn that life doesn’t start when he gets back; it keeps going. It’s not just you acting like you’re strong; you are strong because of what you’ve gone through, and that’s okay. It’s okay to not be ridden with sadness or anxiety over him leaving. It’s okay to enjoy life. It’s okay for him to make the most out of his time overseas, too.

So, time to kick this into high gear, dudes!