For my whole life, I've equated what I do with who I am. As in, I have believed that my actions demonstrate the type of person I am. This means that for my whole life, I've been labeling myself. Applying dichotomies to my character, oftentimes false. If I said I'm not sure where I learned … Continue reading Changing the tone of self-talk
Recovery is going well. Physical recovery, that is. Yesterday I felt more human that I'd felt in a week since major surgery. I was able to go down the stairs in a normal fashion and get myself showered. All that in addition to making coffee and fixing breakfast. It's amazing how the little things make … Continue reading Undoing the world
The realization dawned on me that I needed to leave. It’s not in a “oh my God get me out of here” way or a “I’m running as fast as I can towards something new” way. It’s just a “it’s time” way. It’s not desperate or overly negative or toxic. It just is. I think … Continue reading The leaving manifesto
It's what people say when you're at an uncomfortable height. It's advice and admonishment. It's a warning against the inevitable void that will entice you to fall. It could be a bend from reality, a willful ignorance of what actually exists. At some point, we have to look down and get real. We have to … Continue reading Don’t look down
Even before I was old enough to have a job in the traditional sense, working on the weekends, particularly Saturdays, was a concept I knew well. Many a Saturday morning, I woke up at a decent time (not by my own accord), perused the "to-do list" written by my mother, and with my sisters we … Continue reading The Problem of Saturday
Mental illness is a bitch. She's the shadow behind you when you look in the mirror. She's the one who whispers, "I'll always be with you." And she's not wrong. I had a stark realization that this will forever be with me. I can't shake it. You name it, I've tried everything. Prayer. Medication. Meditation. … Continue reading My constant companion(s)
I'll be honest: I've always scoffed at people who walk to get exercise. 1) Being honest is all I've got, and 2) I was a pretentious asshole. I mean, I've run marathons. What benefit could there be to walking over running? I remember being a teenager and going for walks occasionally through my neighborhood. I'd … Continue reading Feeling at home during COVID
Over the past seven years or so, I have been made acutely aware of my body. At first she seemed like a stranger to me, someone you pass in the night but can't quite see past the darkness and shadows. It's quite ironic that I was so separated from my body because I am tall. … Continue reading Coming back into my body
I don't mean that the act of not drinking is so difficult. I mean, it can be, especially on the Saturday of a long weekend where I just feel good all day, and what could make it better besides a lovely cocktail or two? In all honesty though, overall it hasn't been difficult for me … Continue reading Choosing to not drink is easy; sobriety is hard
I look at houses online, a lot. Maybe too much. Sometimes I look at houses in my neighborhood, sometimes in my hometown. Sometimes I look at houses in places I've lived before. I pore over lot size and price per square foot and judge the lighting or staging I see. But mostly I imagine what … Continue reading Spending time with Past, Present, and Future (no, this isn’t my version of A Christmas Carol)
mercies per mile 
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