Why is it that as soon as I open this fucking laptop My nervous system starts to calm down My breathing starts to return to normal After an entire day of wanting to crawl out of my skin And leave this world behind My heart is still in my body, and it still hurts My … Continue reading Why is it
Category: mental health
Sick and tired
Aren't you tired (and I'm feeling physically sick)Aren't you sick of looking at yourself in the mirror and wanting to shrink or be anyone elseArent you sick of being sad and stressed and upset and on the brink of despair the majority of the dayAnd despondent when you wake up in the night You can … Continue reading Sick and tired
Staycation: a save point.
I recently took a spring break of my own making, an entire week. This length of time is in quite stark contrast to spring break in my last job as a public school teacher. In the particular district I was working for, we never had a full week of for spring break. Most years we … Continue reading Staycation: a save point.
Meltdown: Implosion Explained (Part 5)*
*This post is part of a series of reflections written as I explored my neurodivergence prior to diagnosis. Originally written August 2023. Life feels hard, every day. I wish it wasn’t. There are some days that are easier than others. But I feel like there’s always something to dread - some commitment, some phone call, something … Continue reading Meltdown: Implosion Explained (Part 5)*
This is Genetic (Part 2)*
*This post is part of a series of reflections written as I explored my neurodivergence prior to diagnosis. Originally written July 2023. I should be writing about this but I haven’t been. I’ve been doing what I guess my autistic (I want to whisper this) brain does and try to hold every detail at the … Continue reading This is Genetic (Part 2)*
Anticipatory Rejection
To be neurodivergent is to know anticipatory rejection. With enough practice, you can learn how to accurately guess when you might be made the "pariah" of the group, and guessing right can save you. Unfortunately it takes a lot of time and experience and heartache to learn this. But it can be done. All it … Continue reading Anticipatory Rejection
There is no fix but through
I'm here to tell you that there is no end-all be-all fix to mental illness. In some ways, as I've been taking off and discarding old layers of myself, I find even more that I need to address. It's depressing, quite literally. I only have so much time in a day, and so much energy … Continue reading There is no fix but through
Middle of May
It's almost the middle of May How do I make time slow down? Be more present. Be more present. Be more present. Be more present. Be present.
Changing the tone of self-talk
For my whole life, I've equated what I do with who I am. As in, I have believed that my actions demonstrate the type of person I am. This means that for my whole life, I've been labeling myself. Applying dichotomies to my character, oftentimes false. If I said I'm not sure where I learned … Continue reading Changing the tone of self-talk
Undoing the world
Recovery is going well. Physical recovery, that is. Yesterday I felt more human that I'd felt in a week since major surgery. I was able to go down the stairs in a normal fashion and get myself showered. All that in addition to making coffee and fixing breakfast. It's amazing how the little things make … Continue reading Undoing the world
MPM 2.0: mercy unmasked 