Things That Make Sense (Part 4)*

*This post is part of a series of reflections written as I explored my neurodivergence prior to diagnosis. Originally written July 2023.

I’ve always been a list-maker. But imagine my glee when I was first diving into “Am I autistic?!” explorations and was so happy to make lists about everything…

Here is a list of things I wrote down that could make sense for how autism / ADHD manifests itself in my experience. I’ll categorize them here so they make a little more sense. (Heh…. I love categorizing…)

Also, if you’re someone wondering if you’re neurodivergent, autistic, or ADHD, remember that neuro-differences manifest themselves differently in every person.

As the saying goes, “If you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met only one autistic person.”

On being in public

• “I’ve grown up in the church with messages that it’s not too much to ask to arrive on time, be dressed neatly, sit up straight and pay attention for the hour or so , not require to eat or drink, intermittently sit stand sing sit stand recite, then have several superficial chats with people where the rules of engagement are to not discuss any of the ideas in the service or act in any way that gives people a sense of the impact of your disability on your week.” (Foye, n.d.)
• “The transitions between activities are especially taxing. I find them very stressful and tiring, and sometimes the anxiety prevents me from going.” (Katherine, n.d.)

On feelings

• Anxiety, disorientation, confusion, and inadequacy are familiar feelings going back to childhood. I get frustrated with myself and I keep thinking that one day I’ll be able to do these things better. But I’m 38 now and still can’t so I need to try and accept that this is me and how my brain works.
• Reportedly I cried for the first six months of my life. Could read Reader’s Digest by age 3-4. Rocking to music by 8 months.

On unusual habits

• Alphabetized Beanie Babies, volunteered to clean friends rooms and kitchens, played typing game and ignored friend, gullible and had hard time socially 

On meltdowns

• Meltdown in Arizona, my first trip cross-country and probably the biggest trip away from my parents
• Meltdowns about outfits (like 5 minutes before having to leave) 
• Meltdowns on trips (freaking out about something.. Usually a combination of things that makes me explode) 
• Meltdowns about rules (like bringing food or backpack into public venue) 

On rule-following

• Bad road rage, anger at people not following rules (littering, having dogs off leash) 
• Obsessed with doing things the right way the first time – assuming people know the right way and they’re not telling me 

On stimming / fidgeting

• Extremely rich inner world, imagination, making up stories about strangers
• Stimming by tapping, moving, or rubbing feet together.
• Rocking when trying to get to sleep. Rubbing fingers together, used to bite fingernails and cuticles 
• Picking at scabs and rough surfaces on skin; bit nails and cuticles as a child
• Moving back and forth in line while standing 

On other things

• Good singer – on pitch 
• Preference for baroque / classical music and other styles for piano that are predictable and follow patterns
• Difficulty memorizing piano pieces
• Difficulty improvising during piano solo for jazz band in junior high 
• Been told I was staring into distance, had a hard stare, eyes were bugging out. I thought it was just because my eyes are an unusual color.

(A note that self-diagnosis / self-identification is valid. More research about how autism / ADHD presents in folks other than white AMAB [assigned male at birth] needs to be done. Pursuing a diagnosis can be costly or near impossible for some folks. And it wasn’t until 2013 that someone could be diagnosed with both, per the DSM-V TR. If you think you might be autistic, ADHD, or both [commonly referred to as “AuDHD” and emerging research suggests it’s a neurotype of its own] be easy on yourself and avail yourself of resources to aid in your own self-discovery.)