Self-Realization: the Onset (Part 1)*

*This post is part of a series of reflections written as I explored my neurodivergence prior to diagnosis. Originally written July 2023.

It all started during COVID, I think. The shutdown was a balm for my soul. Some part of me hates admitting that – people died. Lots of people died. But for the first time in my adult life, maybe my whole life, I felt normal. It was an introvert’s time to shine. Capitalism hates introverts. 

During COVID I decided to stop drinking alcohol for awhile. Looking back, it’s hard to imagine a time where a lot of my thoughts in the afternoon drifted down the highway from work to a drink. I’d used alcohol as a cover for many years.. since I was at least 18, and even more over 21. There were a couple years I didn’t drink, mostly due to Aaron being gone for the Army and kind-of sort-of mandated by our church leadership (a different discussion for a different day…).

I began unmasking, and that meant embracing my inherent awkwardness. I’ve always been awkward. My body has always been awkward too, so in general I’ve felt out of place my whole life. Recently I read through some old journals.. back before I was working once I reached high school, and man I was awkward. I struggled big time with social interactions, knowing what someone meant when they said something, et cetera.

The first time I heard the word neurodivergent, I was a union liaison at the school I worked at. I had a union member come to me with a concern that he was being unfairly treated and evaluated in part because of his neurodivergence.

I was skeptical of the word, mostly because I didn’t understand it, and also because my coworker was “weird.” I thought he was cool – tatted up, wore jewelry, wore interesting clothes, but I could feel the vibe from everyone else (read: clique-y judge-y elementary school teachers) that he was weird. So part of me didn’t want to be associated with that, even though I was “weird” too.

I don’t remember when I started looking into neurodivergence, but I realized pretty quickly that that it described me. I’d been diagnosed with anxiety and depression many years ago, and had a couple therapists – one my parents knew about and one they didn’t. Mental illness is part of the neurodivergent sphere, so no doubt that that was my reality.

They say this stuff runs in families, that it’s genetic. At some point, after going down a rabbit hole about ADHD, I realized that maybe I have it, especially after learning about a couple family members who were also late-diagnosed. Some things lined up, but other things did not. I knew first-hand how ADHD had affected some of my family members – and it’d been significant. 

I spent some time learning (read: hyperfocusing) about ADHD, but there was something else there too that couldn’t be explained by ADHD.

(A note that self-diagnosis / self-identification is valid. More research about how autism / ADHD presents in folks other than white AMAB [assigned male at birth] needs to be done. Pursuing a diagnosis can be costly or near impossible for some folks. And it wasn’t until 2013 that someone could be diagnosed with both, per the DSM-V TR. If you think you might be autistic, ADHD, or both [commonly referred to as “AuDHD” and emerging research suggests it’s a neurotype of its own] be easy on yourself and avail yourself of resources to aid in your own self-discovery.)