Autistic Brownout (Part 3)*

*This post is part of a series of reflections written as I explored my neurodivergence prior to diagnosis. Originally written July 2023.

I knew about burnout but I didn’t know about autistic burnout. And fuck, I guess that’s what this is. My whole life, I have been thinking pretty regularly, A vacation would fix this. But guess what. I take the vacation and it’s most certainly not fixed. I’m right back to where I started. I end up overcommitting my time and energy. 

I read the books on burnout (this one by Emily Nagoski is good) and did what I thought I needed to in order to apply it to my life, but something just wasn’t adding up. There was something I was missing in the equation.

And it’s not because I’m ADHD and need the stimulus, I don’t think. I think it’s because I have problems with my executive functioning and also something called a lack of interoception which means that I have trouble seeing the whole picture and that I don’t recognize signals from my body that I need to slow down.

I knew that this probably wasn’t C-PTSD or severe abuse or neglect. Many of my needs went unmet. But being autistic being raised by potentially two neurodivergent parents with potentially three neurodivergent kids.. I mean, fuck. It was a powder keg on the brink of exploding.

So I’m in what I’ve recently heard as “autistic brownout” – I can recognize that even though I literally just learned about it on a podcast on my way home from work the other day. I need to lay down the boundaries and tell people no and let myself have the time I need.

(A note that self-diagnosis / self-identification is valid. More research about how autism / ADHD presents in folks other than white AMAB [assigned male at birth] needs to be done. Pursuing a diagnosis can be costly or near impossible for some folks. And it wasn’t until 2013 that someone could be diagnosed with both, per the DSM-V TR. If you think you might be autistic, ADHD, or both [commonly referred to as “AuDHD” and emerging research suggests it’s a neurotype of its own] be easy on yourself and avail yourself of resources to aid in your own self-discovery.)