Why is it that as soon as I open this fucking laptop
My nervous system starts to calm down
My breathing starts to return to normal
After an entire day of wanting to crawl out of my skin
And leave this world behind
My heart is still in my body, and it still hurts
My heart still hurts so much, because I have to do this without you
You’re right there, but so far away
I’ve grieved your eventual loss dozens of times
The ones who would help me through this are already gone
Long gone, in fact
And new waves of grief wreck me when I realize that I have to do this,
Not only without you, but without them
Genetics on both sides of my timeline, just gone
I probably should just go to sleep, all will be right in the morning
But my mind will not let me rest until I’m able to cultivate a modicum of peace
In my own body, on my own
MPM 2.0: mercy unmasked 