Meltdown: Implosion Explained (Part 5)*

*This post is part of a series of reflections written as I explored my neurodivergence prior to diagnosis. Originally written August 2023.

Life feels hard, every day. I wish it wasn’t. There are some days that are easier than others. But I feel like there’s always something to dread – some commitment, some phone call, something I said yes to when I was feeling good and regulated and on top of things.

At times I feel like I will snap. I’ll try to explain this feeling. It’s like a weight in my chest that gets heavier and heavier. And then I realize I’m holding my breath. So I take a deep breath, but then I worry that people will think I’m sighing, which apparently is a sign of being bored.

So is yawning… I remember a time at a job I had many years ago where my (very disorganized) boss was trying to tell me something. I was tuning her out apparently, because she was long-winded, and I yawned. She scolded me like a child for that. I ended up quitting that job not long after

Anyway, the snapping feeling. It also feels like I want to crawl out of my skin. I don’t quite know how else to describe it.

Being committed to people is hard, and sometimes I wish I didn’t have to commit to people. I hate that I’m the organized and outspoken one in groups where I feel confident.. so that makes me a leader. I don’t want to be a leader. But living in a neurotypical world has made me that way.

I want a medical leave from church. I want to be able to tell people how badly I’m burnt out and sick of meetings and weekly gatherings. I’m usually fine once I’m there, but maybe that’s because I’ve resigned myself to the fact so I just get through it. And while I’m at it, why not just live a little and “be a leader.” Fuck.

(A note that self-diagnosis / self-identification is valid. More research about how autism / ADHD presents in folks other than white AMAB [assigned male at birth] needs to be done. Pursuing a diagnosis can be costly or near impossible for some folks. And it wasn’t until 2013 that someone could be diagnosed with both, per the DSM-V TR. If you think you might be autistic, ADHD, or both [commonly referred to as “AuDHD” and emerging research suggests it’s a neurotype of its own] be easy on yourself and avail yourself of resources to aid in your own self-discovery.)